Wednesday, March 18, 2009

So many things, but I'll just start with two letters.

I wrote two letters today. One that I taped to our neighbors door and one that I kept for myself. I'll leave it to you to decide which is which.


Dear Apt. 1.

The rest of the house would appreciate it if you separated your recycling properly as outlined in the poster hanging in the vestibule. You've mixed your papers with plastic again which has resulted in all of our recycling being left at the curb again. This will often result in a fine which we all have to split. Also your cardboard needs to bound with twine or clear tape and not just shoved into the recycling bin. Also you can't recycle dirty pizza boxes.

ALSO-- we are all supposed to share the duty of taking the trash to the curb and back on M, W, F and the recycling on W. I guess that the loud banging that I do outside your bedroom window whenever it is my turn has not alerted you to the fact that you are being remiss. I also suppose that every time that I've physically REMOVED your trash from the recycling bin and put it into the trash bin and then left the cover off the can so that you can see that your trash has been moved has gone unnoticed.

In short, since you do not respond to my passive aggressive promptings, I'll have to out and out ask you to please do your chores. I've copied your mother on this letter. She's very disappointed in you. She also says that you should permit us to share in your outdoor space. You never use it, and our hammock would fit nicely.

We're glad to know that you're not dead. Last week the smell of fish which usually seeps out from under your door was replaced by the very distinct odor of rotting flesh. Fortunately, your cigarette smoke has continued to bellow up through the chimney and soothed our consciences in that regard.

:) Your neighbors

Our recycling was left behind because some of your items were sorted improperly. Please fix this-- it could result in a fine that we'll all have to split. Also we're supposed to all take turns bringing the trash/recycling to the curb. We would appreciate your assistance.
:) Your neighbors.


  1. Clearly we would not split the fine. I'm just trying to make them feel bad.

  2. That is very funny. You probably feel better after writing both versions. Maybe version 1 could accidentally make it to the top of Friday's recycling...

  3. Awesome...I wish to see the face when letter one is ACCIDENTLY delivered to its very rightful reader.